CAIT AROUND THE WORLD

When I went to write about today, I realized that my numbering for my days was off and I’d never actually written myself a little outline of what happened in my blog drafts! It was a tough day for me and I ended up writing about it in my travel journal that I’ve been keeping as an extra little way to record my travels and some of the more personal thoughts and feelings I’ve had over the last few months. But I thought that I would copy over what I wrote there on this evening because I think it’s important to see that this isn’t all sunshine and roses but that there can also be good moments in rough days. It’s also the best record I have of what the day held!

April 30, 2023 — I woke up late this morning and decided against breakfast at the hostel. I went out instead and ended up at a really cute coffee shop. Every country has different ways of ordering things and lots of places in different countries operate in different ways, too. It’s a gamble anytime you walk in anywhere: am I gonna do this right or am I gonna mess it up? I walked into the coffee shop this morning and ordered a coffee at the counter and paid. That ended up being to-go coffee when what I really wanted was to sit down, get coffee and have a look at the breakfast menu and order something. I did still take my to-go cup up to the upper level of the shop and sit and do some blogging and enjoy what was a very nice view (even though it was absolutely sweltering, oh my Lord). But I didn’t ask for a food menu and I didn’t get food there. So by the time I left, it was 11am. (I told you I got up late.)

At this point, it’s still breakfast time. I still need to get some breakfast. I still would really like the coffee shop vibe and I’m determined to find a seat inside. I walk by one place and they’re only serving breakfast for another hour and they tell me this in a tone like, “You can’t order it now, it’s too late,” so I keep walking. Then I pass another coffee shop and go inside but it’s not meeting the vibe check and there’s one tiny seat inside and I can’t tell if I’m in the right place to order and I decide, “screw this,” and leave. I’m walking down the street toward the hostel again and I see a big menu advertising a chocolate smoothie bowl. It’s this place that has chairs set up on the beach and I’m like, “okay, here it is, this is what we’re doing.” I went and got a seat and a got a smoothie bowl and I got another coffee — iced this time — and I enjoyed both.

The gentleman waiting on me at this place asked what my plans were for the day and I didn’t really have any and so I said so.  He was like, “oh, maybe you’d like to go snorkelling, I’ll give you a good price” and he offered me his WhatsApp if I wanted to go tomorrow and I, knowing full well that I’m leaving for Gili Meno tomorrow, was like yeah, sure, why not.  No harm, no foul.  And he wants to send my number to his captain friend and his friend can send me pictures and I’m just like, yeah sure, why not.  It really didn’t bother me except that I’d prefer to eat my smoothie bowl without having to think to myself, hmm, should I do this?  Is it a good deal?  Do I know enough that I feel comfortable doing this?  So it’s just kind of exhausting.  But it’s also not a big deal; I can just not answer and I’ll never see these people again after tomorrow anyway.  It’s just part of the way of life down here and I’m in a major tourist area; it’s to be expected.  And they’re all quite nice about it, too.  I’m sure if I’d been firm and said no then I wouldn’t have gotten involved to the extent that I was and really, again, it’s not that deep.  I’m really not involved and it’s not a big issue.  I think that really, it was just one more thing this morning to think about and that threw me a little. 

It also doesn’t help that I was wanting to snorkel and could have booked through my hostel except my lazy butt didn’t move down there to do it before today/before leaving the island. Also that I could rent gear on the beach and didn’t do that, either. And I really ought to just push myself a little harder to do those things, but they just seem like so much effort and energy and I think I just don’t care enough. Which sucks, because then I also feel like crud for not doing it because it feels like I’m not taking advantage. There are really two solutions to this whole thing: either do it because you actually do care more than you think or just don’t do it because you really don’t want to. I’m just not completely sure which one is the answer. Anyway, though, moving on from that, I spent a couple hours holed up in my dorm room.

Honestly, I do think that part of the reason I spend so much time in the room I’m in at any given time is because I need to feel some semblance of comfort and I am offered none of that except for when I’m in the room while I’m travelling.  And even when I’m in the room I sometimes don’t have that comfort because I’m sharing the room with at least one other person and sometimes more than that and they might talk to me and I might have to talk to them and it’s not my room at home and I can’t plug my stuff in and all my stuff is on the floor and is it in someone’s way and am I shaking the bed too much and is housekeeping going to come in and on and on and on.  I’m really looking forward to having a room to myself in Bali for my last night.  Like, really really looking forward to it.  

Every day, there is something new to deal with. On top of that, I’m completely at my own mercy for food, clothing, shelter, everything. Obviously, getting used to that is a good thing. It’s important. And it’s not like I don’t have support systems: I have money, I have my family that I can call anytime, I have friends to talk to back home, and I have the internet which has unlimited resources for any situation you might find yourself in. But it’s still stressful. It’s still tiring. It’s still me pushing myself out of my comfort zone constantly, and only having myself to rely on to get through another day. It’s really hard.

So, I spent some time in my room and I did some blogging and then I watched TikTok for a while and then I decided to get up and go out to the beach and perhaps rent some snorkel equipment.  One big question on my mind was whether or not I would be able to leave my stuff unattended, where I would leave it, and if it would be there when I got back.  Taking my hostel keys with me was a big decision.  So was bringing my towel.  And having to worry about and think about that stuff and not know the answer sucks.  But I brought both and I decided to scope out the situation beforehand because there’s lots of equipment vendors at Turtle Point, which is where I was heading. 

When I got there, I was walking by vendor after vendor and just couldn’t really bring myself to talk to one. I eventually laid out my towel on the beach next to some other people — one woman was on her own, too — and I got into the water and just swam a little bit. (Side note: is the water ever warm. Seriously, it’s crazy.) And that was fine, honestly. I think I was a little disappointed in myself for not renting the gear when I planned to, but at least I went for a small swim in the ocean. I saw a couple fish swim by and that was so cool because I literally wasn’t even that far out. And the water was beautiful.

I headed back to the hostel about an hour after I left. By this time I was really hungry so I changed after I got back to the hostel and I went to the pasta place that I went to last night and I bought myself some water and some cheesy fries. Oh yeah, loaded cheesy fries like home. Not exactly like home, but the fries were beautifully crisp and the cheese was delicious and they had bacon on them which is the main ingredient and I was extremely satisfied. I paid the bill there and left, heading back for the hostel. It was coming up on five o’clock at this time and I saw the yoga studio that I passed several times over the last two days and I thought to myself, maybe I’ll do the 5:30pm yoga. I went back to the hostel and I was doing something on my phone and then it was 5:20 and I went and changed into my bike shorts and I headed out…only to find that the schedule on the door said that Sundays are rest days and there was no yoga. (Makes sense; the sign wasn’t out.) I was a bit disappointed by that, but it also wasn’t too much stress.

I came back to the hostel and whiled away the time until well after sunset. It was almost seven or after seven when I finally said to myself, okay, you need to have something to eat. You’re hungry and we’re not skipping dinner. I thought that I would head to the place on the beach where they advertise that they have the best pizza on the island. On my first night, it looked like a popular place and I thought it would be a nice spot to try. However, I was not in the mood for pizza and my logical brain dictates that when a place says that they have the best pizza on the island, you better try it for yourself. I didn’t want to. I ended up at a place a little closer by, still sitting outside on the beach, and I ordered a Coke and chicken satay, both of which were delicious and very satisfying.

Now, before I took myself out to dinner, I was lying in my room and staring at the wall.  I was scrolling through TikTok and I think it was at this point that I watched one of Crosby’s (@crosbygracetravels) YouTube videos because I didn’t realize that she and her boyfriend broke up and that video explained it.  After whatever I scrolled through, I was just feeling really dissatisfied and kind of irritated with myself and just really, really starting to get down and bummed out and also nervous and anxious about getting to Gili Meno tomorrow, to Gili Air two nights later, and then going to Lombok and everything else that I have planned in Indonesia right now (except it’s not really planned) and in that moment — and still now, kind of — I just want it to be time to go to Singapore and then to Greece.  One post I saw while I was scrolling was from Daisy (@daisytravels) and it was three somethings about solo travelling and one was that sometimes you need to go home and recharge, sometimes you need a break from solo travelling and from travelling in general, burnout is real and so on.  And I think I’m realizing more and more that the burnout is real and that maybe that is exactly where I am and why I’m feeling the way that I’m feeling right now but I also think it’s just my anxiety about being here flaring up.  I think I’m getting lost in the details and losing sight of the bigger picture again.  I’m still struggling with the balance there and I think it’s going to take more time to figure out.  But also — what if it really is time to head home?  What if I really do need a break?  What if this just isn’t the place for me?  Part of solo travelling is the power to do what you want, when you want.  And I’m letting prior plans dictate what I’m doing now.  But is cancelling the rest of what I have planned right now really the right choice? 

I don’t have all the answers tonight, and I think it’s best that I sleep on it.  I know that if I really wanted to leave sooner, I can.  But I also have to acknowledge that that decision would mean eating the cost of some flights and some previous bookings.  Not many, to be fair, but a few things.  I also have to consider if I would regret the decision down the road.  In Australia, I was really excited when I came up with the itinerary that I currently have.  I am stronger and more capable than I realize, and I think that one of the things I need to remember and really get through my head is that I’m going to make mistakes, but I can learn from them.  I’m scared that I’m not going to find a boat to take me to Gili Meno tomorrow.  I’m scared that I’m going to pick the wrong one.  I’m scared that I’m going to pay too much.  But I need to remember that (a) there is always another way.  If I don’t find one like Kadek said, then I will figure something else out.  And (b) as long as you get there, there is no wrong answer.  And finally, (c) if you pay too much, then you learn and you move on.  It’s money.  Not your soul, not your life.  It is not the end of the world if you spend $5 more than you should have, or even $20, and I do know that I shouldn’t pay more than about 50,000IDR.  So I have a baseline.  I am strong, I am capable, I am not stupid, and everything will work out the way that it is meant to.  

I think that’s one thing that travelling helps teach you, even though I think it seems to be taking a while for my mind to accept it: that everything will work out the way it is meant to. That you just have to have a little faith and a little trust in the world. It’s easier when you do. It’s less stress, less worry, and you’re able to just enjoy more. I think it’s a lesson I need to learn, but I think it’s taking its own sweet time sinking in and really ingraining itself. That’s okay, though, because I can have faith that it will worm its way in eventually. I just have to keep trying. Keep working toward growth and learning and experiencing.

I wanted to interject here at the end of this: these feelings pass. I’m currently on a train in Greece heading to Meteora and I haven’t had a day go by without smiling because I’m grateful that I’m here and that I’m still travelling. Maybe it’s the destination, maybe it’s the journey, but it’s all important. If you’re in a down spot while travelling or at home, know that it will pass and everything will be alright. I ended up really enjoying the rest of my time in Indonesia and in Singapore and I’m glad I stuck around. As happy as I am now, being in Greece, I’m equally happy that I didn’t cancel my plans in Southeast Asia.

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